Scales, Puppets, and Absolute Denial
by FlightAngel
Summary: In which Hidan, Itachi, and Deidara discuss their boyfriend's penises. Oneshot Crack-ish. Kakuhida Sasodei Kisaita


**Scales, Puppets, and Absolute Denial:**

By FlightAngel

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Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me. Obviously. Continue on with the story, please.

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Deidara had no idea how they had come to the topic of this conversation.

"Dude, does it _hurt_ to get fucked up the ass?"

_What?_

No, he wasn't talking to the blond sculptor, but _still_. It was an idiotic question. Itachi's face was carefully masked, but the slightly stunned widening of his eyes was hilarious.

The three of them sat lounging about the living room, squatting on musty old couches and tattered rugs. Kakuzu had, in the early days of the organization, relented and bought the cheapest furnishings he could find—and this was the result. Tattered, tissue-paper like furnishings that did nothing to protect their lovely behinds from the hard coldness of the cavern floors, a factor that Hidan took the liberty to complain about regularly.

The silver-hair priest was cackling, "I mean, c'mon! Kisame's covered in scales right? So, like, doesn't it make sense that his Little Kisame would have scales too?" He cackled louder when Itachi's eyes narrowed slightly, and the younger man crossed his arm and shook his head, expression morphing into indifference.

Deidara puckered his brow, "What the heck, Hidan? Keep your thoughts to yourself, un, _ew_!"

"Oh, come off it, it's not like you're any fucking better. You're screwing a puppet."

The blond reddened. "That is _personal_, un!"

"It's just like screwing a dildo! Do you steal one of Sasori's fake penises and screw yourself when he's gone?" Hidan sneered, picking at a particularly sad tatter on the couch he had strewn himself upon. "Fucking weirdos."

Deidara and Itachi exchanged mutual glances of fury.

"You're not any better, un! I wouldn't be surprised if Kakuzu's stitches come apart and his penis falls off while he's doing you, un." The blond held up a finger and let it droop, lips pursed, "Or does he screw you with those strings of his? You've no right to speak, un!"

"Kakuzu's penis is fucking _normal_, idiots," Hidan snapped, pushing himself up, "and Jashin damn me if I turn down a chance for some tentacle sex." He looked smug. "I'm at least not _ashamed_ to admit I liked it."

Itachi closed his eyes, poker face suddenly looking a little pained.

Deidara stood up. "You know what? I don't believe you. Kakuzu's, like, over a hundred, un! His penis must be like a fossil! At least Sasori oils his penises regularly!"

Itachi looked even more pained.

"Yeah, but he can't come, can he? Seriously, I don't know why he even fucking bothers, he can't _feel_ anything anyway," Hidan fingered his rosary, sneer even more evident, "And I told you, Kakuzu's penis's fine. I keep it from shriveling up, he keeps mine from falling off, we're all good."

"That's sick, un! At least Danna and I have—have—a mutual affection towards each other!"

"'Mutual affection'? Don't make me fucking laugh. You're just looking for a quick screw, right?"

Itachi stood up abruptly and made a move to leave. Hidan called after him, tossing silver locks behind his ears.

"Oi, c'mon scale-ass boy, sit your butt down, we're not done discussing penises."

"This is immature." Itachi said bluntly.

"Immature? How is talking about penises immature? It's completely normal, seeing as screwing is an essential part of our everyday life!" The priest looked at Deidara intently. "Except for little I-like-clay-up-my-ass over there. He's probably too busy masturbating over his clay creations."

Deidara's face colored a deeper shade of scarlet, mouth stretched into a thin line. "Un!"

"Hidan, I advise you to shut up." Itachi had one hand on the door. Hidan held up a hand.

"Hold up, you still haven't answered my question. Does your poor rectum suffer scratches from our resident fish's scaly manhood?"

Itachi stared down at the lounging man coldly, black eyes daring Hidan's pale ones to continue pressing him. Hidan cackled again, pushing himself up from his casual position and setting his feet on the ground.

"So?"

"…Kisame's penis is as scaly as Kakuzu's penis's tendency to fall off."

Deidara looked up, surprised, "So it _is_ scaly?"

"No, 'cause Kakuzu's penis does _not_ fall off!" Hidan was fingering his rosary again. "I don't believe you either, Itachi. I bet you're a fucking closet masochist, you probably don't even use lube."

Itachi's face remained carefully impassive.

"Do _you_ use lube, un?" Deidara sat hunched up on a rug doing a poor job masking the jagged rocky floor, arms crossed. "Oh, _right_, you're the resident Jashinist who likes tentacle rape, beheading, and getting bloody while doing it up the ass!"

Hidan smiled. "Fucking thank you."

Itachi made another move to leave.

"Stop, stop, Uchiha-boy, sit _down_, we're having a discussion! Or has your mother never taught you to never just up and leave while people are talking to you? Shame on you and your fucking Konoha mentors." Hidan yawned, leaning back again. "So, you claim Kisame's penis isn't scaly, I claim Kakuzu's penis doesn't fucking _fall off_ while he's screwing me, and we all mutually agree that Deidara likes screwing dildos and masturbating, yes?"

The blond's temper flared. "I do _not_, un! Shut up I dare you to say that one more time, un!"

"Oh, whatever. We all know you're in denial." Hidan kissed his rosary. "Lord Jashin is our witness in discussion, retard. You go and try blow me up and he'll throw a thousand curses upon you and your little dildo-puppet."

Deidara's mouths snarled, but a quick look at Itachi and his impassive stare—how could he just stand there while the stupid priest blabbed his mouth off? How he could just _take it_—calmed him down and he sat still.

If Itachi could just stand there staring, then Dei could, too.

"I'm not sure if I should be offended that you assume Kisame is dominant or that his penis is scaly." Itachi said coolly, face emotionless. Hidan gave a bark of laughter.

"Well, _everyone_ fucking knows the larger man gets to be the top dog, you know? Large in both ways, I mean." Hidan held up his hand, "Last time I checked, Kisame was, like, oh, _this long_ and you were this long, so you're obviously the one being scale-raped."

Itachi narrowed his eyes again, mouth a thin line.

"It's a fact that pleasure doesn't come from length but from diameter," Deidara interrupted, sitting up stiffly and crossing his arms, "and Kisame's penis can't be that long, un! That's _impossible_, un!"

"Hey, he's a shark man. His penis can be as long and scaly and slimy as he wants."

"No _way_! Oi, Itachi, is Kisame _really_—?"

Itachi ignored the rambling blond and gracefully pushed black locks back behind his ear. "…so you are saying Kakuzu's penis is longer than your penis?" The comment was directed towards the smiling priest, accompanied by a dark glance the Uchiha graced onto the front of the Jashinist's pants.

Hidan rolled his shoulders, smug bravado back in place. "Oh, I didn't say _that_. We switch, him and me."

"…so you enjoy looking at four masks staring at you while going through intercourse? An exhibitionist… lovely."

"Jashin have it! Is that our resident Uchiha using fucking _sarcasm_? Dei, did you hear that?" Deidara was busy trying to ignore the Jashinist and was molding a wet ball of clay with his fingers, attempting to look occupied. Hidan flipped him off. "Ooh, whatever, Dei doesn't _care_ because little Danna-sama has all kinds of different shapes and sizes to please him…"

The blond stiffened. "Shut _up_, un! You talk too much, un!" Deidara crushed the clay between his fingers and allowed his mouths to chew up the mess, "Say one more word about Danna and I'll—"

"Lord Jashin, please have mercy on this sexually frustrated splinter-up-his-ass dildo-loving boy," Hidan graced his rosary with another kiss, voice rising to override Deidara's huffy mutterings. "And please have mercy on scaly ass over there, who is in denial of committing bestiality. These heathens do not know any better. Amen."

"Hidan, you—!" Deidara hugged his newly made clay figurine to his chest, cheeks flushed in outrage. Itachi's eyes were narrowed dangerously. Hidan raised a slender eyebrow and graced the two younger men with a smug grin.

The three of them spent an uncomfortable moment of silence eying each other—Hidan smirking and playing with his hair; Deidara muttering "Un" and "Idiot Jashinist priests, un" whilst fingering his clay creation with an unsettling glint in his eye; and Itachi leaning against the doorpost with his face carefully expressionless, despite a growing annoyance at Hidan and his blabbing mouth.

This was how Kakuzu found them five minutes later, when he sidestepped past Itachi with his checkbook under an arm and looked at the frozen members questionably.

"…Hidan."

Hidan continued to smirk and play with his hair.

Kakuzu tried again. "Hidan, what are you doing?"

The priest dropped a silver lock and looked at him with his lips pursed, "What the fuck do you want, Ka-_ku-_zu?"

Kakuzu was about to reply when Deidara suddenly exploded:

"Hidan, you have_ no right _to say anything, _anything_ at all about our boyfriend's penises, un! If we love them, then we_ love _them, and love is_ art, _and art is_ passion, _and passion is_ cool, _so _who cares_ if they're penises are made of wood and scratch against your innards or are scaley and slimy or whatever else may be wrong with it, just _shut _your_ dirty _mouth up and keep your dirty mind out our business and go away and ride Kakuzu somewhere! Un!"

He took a sharp breath. "And Sasori only carved _one_ penis for himself! He's not _dirty_! Uuuun!"

He finished his rant and sat there on the floor, panting, wide-eyed and flushed and the complete center of attention of all the other—stunned—men in the room. A slight fluttering of the tattered rags of rug was the only indication of the force of the man's outburst. It was silent.

Suddenly, Hidan burst out laughing, much to the enraged sculptor's chagrin. Kakuzu sighed.

"…don't even bother to tell me what you three are arguing about," The treasurer shuffled past the couch, "I'm going to get a cup of coffee."

"Dirty old dildo-boy really has a stick shoved up his ass!" The amused priest crowed, head leaning against his hand, "I mean, what the hell? So penises are love and love is cool and—oh, come off it, I'm _sure_ Sasori could have broken his penis once or twice, he's got to have some extras—"

"Uuuuuuuuuun!"

"—and it's nothing to be ashamed of, c'mon! Say it with me! 'I masturbate over clay creations and like screwing puppets'—c'mon! 'I masturbate over clay creations and like—"

Deidara jumped to his feet, face a dozen shades of red and hands clenched together until his knuckles were paper-white. Seizing his clay creation, the artist threw it violently at the still laughing priest and made a hand-signal for its explosion.

"Kaatsu!"

"—screwing pu—gaaaah!"

"…I'm leaving."

Not waiting to watch Hidan and his bloody aftermath (the man would be up within a half an hour anyway and he didn't want to stay in the man's presence for too long), Itachi left.

It was nonsensical. Pointless. A complete waste of _good time_ he could've spent training, not discussing the oddities of the human body with Hidan and watch the priest explode into a thousand pieces onto the couch.

Which Kakuzu might be forced to replace, if the albino bled enough. Hm.

He'd gone out into the living room looking for his partner, who had upped and left somewhere early in the morning and hadn't returned, and eventually decided to change his course of action to finding a convenient spare cave to train in. At that point, however, he'd bumped into Deidara, who had God-knows-how dragged him down onto a couch and started complaining about his clay and Sasori and not being understood and—well, other annoying things.

And then Hidan arrived.

And then their conversation turned.

And—how _did _they get onto the topic of penises, anyway?

The priest's howls echoed across the rock walls: "Deidara, I'm going to fucking _kill _you, you little clay-sucking puppet-'loving' _freak!_ Come back here! Kaku—Kakuzu! Kakuzu come and fucking sew me back together, dammit!"

"Uuuuuuun!"

The whole thing was immature.

Every last speck of it, from penises to Jashinists to blond sculptors with a fetish for explosives to Kakuzu's ninety-nine cent coffee and—Itachi closed his eyes, kicking off his sandals as he stepped into his and his partner's room.

He flicked on the lights, black eyes glaring accusingly at the empty bed closest to the wall.

—and Kisame's penis was _not_ scaly.

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A/N: Short, random, spontaneous ideas. The concept is funny, but I don't think I achieved the same amount of humor in the actual writing. Ah, well. I just wanted to take a break from long twenty-page long descriptive fanfics and write some crack. As a precaution, I admit to being heavily influenced by the various Kisaita/Sasodei/Kakuhida fanfics floating around there; it's impossible for me _not _to be. The idea of Kisame having scales and Sasori's questionable reproductive organs are neither new nor exclusively mine, and I ask you to please not take it that way.

Please be kind and leave a review. Thank you!


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